Gray

when it’s just too weekday
  • when I arrive home with fried brain and anxiety all over me, unable to focus or do anything besides laying on the couch and watch Friends again and again
  • when I eat junk food and have no energy, but too tired to work out, even though I know I’d feel better
  • when I think about small workplace conflicts and tasks that are really not important but somehow seem unsolvable, even in the evening, even waking up at 4AM
  • when I promise myself that it’s only one day, only temporary, only until the end of the week, the end of the project, the end of this month
  • when I feel bad all the time because I’m stuck with all the important things and self-development and learning and being healthy and taking care of myself
  • when I try to break the cycle, only to slip back at the first stressful day
  • … and when I remember how much worse it used to be before, when this was the normal, not the exception, and feel grateful for a second
  • … and wake up just once with motivation, drink that perfect cup of coffee, go for a run outside, do something cool with Javascript, feel like part of a real team, and snap out of it

Let go

I’m really getting into the new Cage the Elephant-songs, and this was the first that stuck in my head, but this line is also the one that helps me the most at work.

I’m an overthinker, and endlessly creative with imaginary catastrophic situations (in my head I’ve got fired in so many hypothetical ways that reality would have a hard time catching up), but luckily while my work experience grew I learnt that most of the actual problems gets sorted out one way or another, and also, imagining problems doesn’t make it easier to figure out the existing ones.

It has been a difficult half year for my whole team, and the resulting conflicts happened at once with an explosion of thoughts and feelings left unsaid for too long.
We got through it (haven’t really solved it all, but took some small steps in the right direction, and everyone is much more careful), but since then, I need to start my days with a reminder to let go the worry of past problems not yet solved and future problems likely to occur. If I’m able to focus on my daily tasks and only my daily tasks, I feel like I have a chance to actually achieve something. It would be better to have a sense of a bigger picture, but that’s not up to me, so I work with my own puzzle piece.

Stuck

lifestyle challenge

Let’s start with an easy one, right? Well… I’ve been running circles around lifestyle, self-image and self-esteem since I was a little girl. I pretty much hated my body and felt incapable of changing it the way I wanted to when I was a teenager (I couldn’t really see myself clearly back then, just that I’m not thin enough/good enough), ate cake for breakfast during university, and coped with stress and boredom at my first few workplaces with a lot of vending machine chocolate.
I never had any energy, felt stuck in many ways, and tried to avoid looking at myself in the mirror (I didn’t gain a lot of weight, not at once, but the number gradually got higher and higher).

It got better when I started to work in a completely different field, something that I’d truly enjoy and get satisfaction from, with much less stress, but my food addiction wouldn’t really go away, not yet. At least I started to run and work out regularly, and also I got into body positivity, and with those things combined, I started to see myself more cleary: I no longer wanted to look the way that was impossible- I’m short and curvy, that’s a given-, I just wanted to be a better, more toned version of that (which sometimes seems like an achievable goal and sometimes an unreachable fantasy).

I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance last year, and since then my results got worse, so now I have no choice- I have to count calories every day, not just when I feel like it, and also I have to work out three times a week, not just occasionally. So far these stricter rules helped to hold myself accountable, but in the future it might start to crumble.
I still have the weight loss fantasy I used to, I still want to eat chocolate when I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I still struggle with liking my actual body, not just an imaginary future version of it. I want to find the balance between “if you want to be fit and healthy, you just need to change things until you get the desired results” and “accept yourself the way you are, eat what you feel like eating, and don’t try to control your weight gain”, and it’s on my mind a lot.

Hello there

start

I’ve been writing different blogs about different things- mostly random everyday events- for many years, but never in English. I’ve been doing art journal for more than 2 years now, and what started as a way of creating fanart for my favourite bands’ songs became much more personal.

For a while now I’ve been planning to combine the pictures with a longer, more complex thought process that accompanies the creation of them, but haven’t find the way or the right platform – this blog will be an experiment with that.