Stuck

Let’s start with an easy one, right? Well… I’ve been running circles around lifestyle, self-image and self-esteem since I was a little girl. I pretty much hated my body and felt incapable of changing it the way I wanted to when I was a teenager (I couldn’t really see myself clearly back then, just that I’m not thin enough/good enough), ate cake for breakfast during university, and coped with stress and boredom at my first few workplaces with a lot of vending machine chocolate.
I never had any energy, felt stuck in many ways, and tried to avoid looking at myself in the mirror (I didn’t gain a lot of weight, not at once, but the number gradually got higher and higher).

It got better when I started to work in a completely different field, something that I’d truly enjoy and get satisfaction from, with much less stress, but my food addiction wouldn’t really go away, not yet. At least I started to run and work out regularly, and also I got into body positivity, and with those things combined, I started to see myself more cleary: I no longer wanted to look the way that was impossible- I’m short and curvy, that’s a given-, I just wanted to be a better, more toned version of that (which sometimes seems like an achievable goal and sometimes an unreachable fantasy).

I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance last year, and since then my results got worse, so now I have no choice- I have to count calories every day, not just when I feel like it, and also I have to work out three times a week, not just occasionally. So far these stricter rules helped to hold myself accountable, but in the future it might start to crumble.
I still have the weight loss fantasy I used to, I still want to eat chocolate when I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I still struggle with liking my actual body, not just an imaginary future version of it. I want to find the balance between “if you want to be fit and healthy, you just need to change things until you get the desired results” and “accept yourself the way you are, eat what you feel like eating, and don’t try to control your weight gain”, and it’s on my mind a lot.